Heretical Evolution
by DrPhilinSweatpants
Summary: So I got isekai-style reborn. Sounds cool, right? Well it would be, if my only family didn't hate me, I hadn't been branded a heretic, and this crazy lady would get out of my head! Feat: minor elements from DxD and a less than mature MC with a bit of a 50/50 situation. Oh, and Sasha "productively" letting out 6000 years of pent up boredom. Rated M for violence and language.
1. Prologue

**_Whelp, I ain't got an excuse. At first I was busy, then I lost interest for a bit, and now I have Season 17 of Diablo 3 to deal with as well as a Spanish immersion program for the entirety of June. That, and I'm kinda a lazy asshole and have enjoyed school being out for the last two weeks._**

**_So that's why neither of my current stories have seen any activity in over a year._**

**_And here's a new one, for Familiar of Zero._**

**_Fuck._**

* * *

**_? - ?/?_**

* * *

"What?"

While it wasn't the most the most… eloquent way to break the silence, it is somewhat appropriate. I don't remember how I got here. Why would I, there didn't seem to be any doors... or windows... or anything.

No descriptive enough? Let me give you a rundown of my current surroundings: a black void for a ceiling, walls, and floor, albeit the last did somehow have a solid surface that I was (somehow) sitting on.

In an effort to at least find some way to entertain myself, I began to recount my day up until that point. Maybe I could remember how I got here.

* * *

_**? - ? Hours prior **_

* * *

"So could you repeat everything you just said?"

A sharp snap of a ruler on my head was the response. It didn't hurt exactly (thick head and all), and I knew she could (and would've, as indicated by the pissed off expression on her face) have done worse, but it still stung.

"Are you kidding me!? You walk over here, ask me to help you review for exams, on the day they're being held, and then after fifteen minutes of talking, you decided to forget everything?" My best friend/impromptu tutor reprimanded me, pulling one of my hairs out of a crack in her ruler. While I knew she wasn't really pissed, I still winced, since I didn't happen to like setting her off.

I just did, no particular reason. I don't know, blame one of the many mental I have and can probably give myself (I hear Autism's amazing for getting pity points nowadays). While I was listening to her, and trying to stay focused, I just couldn't find it in me to actually absorb all the info she was tossing at me. Of which there was an absolutely ridiculous amount of.

Seriously, what the hell is a "Law of Sines?"

She sighed in defeat, knowing that she couldn't truly get me to listen through pain. "You know, I just don't get it. You can memorize all this information that's useless in the long run, but the instant something that you'll need later in life pops up it's like you automatically redirect it from one ear to the other."

"Well maybe I'm actually memorizing the important things and ignoring the dumb ones? Ever think about that?" I asked, a grin on my face.

Said grin immediately died as a her face shifted into a deadpan, which typically meant she was about to make a point.

"What is the power pole's actual purpose?" She asked, my inner nerd automatically overriding my desire to keep quiet.

"To reach Kami's lookout?"

She nodded, "and what's the capital of Washington?"

I quirked an eyebrow. "Isn't it already the capital?"

Judging by the abrupt facepalm, I assumed that was not the answer.

"How in the hell do you expect to pass like this?" She asked me, the tone indicating it was not rhetorical.

I merely shrugged and returned to reading the book.

She sighed and joined me.

* * *

_**A few hours later…**_

* * *

After she'd resumed forcing information into my head, particularly more violently than before, she'd begun quizzing me. All the way to school. With her striking me in the knees every time I fucked up.

I have a fear of rulers now.

"¿Cómo se dice "cuánto cuesta esto" en Ingles?"

"How much is this?"

"What's does i mean?"

"Square root of negative one?"

"You remember what I said, right?"

"If I get less than a ninety you're going to open a can of whoopass?"

"Correct. Now get inside, it starts in half an hour."

With that she turned down a different path towards where they were holding the honor student's exams. I took the normal path (like hell I was ever getting into any advanced classes).

As most of the students were already inside, I only had to dodge a minimal number as I ran up the stairs.

That minimal number was all it took for me to miss the "wet floor sign."

Which led to me sliding across the floor and out the window.

Did I forget to mention I was on the fourth floor?

* * *

_**? - Now**_

* * *

'So that's what happened… holy shit I'm dead.'

I was silent for a few seconds before I fully understood what I had just concluded, my mind working overtime to fully plot out the events of the last few minutes (or at least what fit the bill from my perspective).

I had died, from falling out the window of a four story building while running to my exams by way of a wet floor I didn't know about because I was too busy dodging people to see the sign.

And so, after all that, I was able to summarize the entire situation in one word:

"Fuck."

As it was, I was quite accurate. The situation was fucked because I had no idea where I was, where I was headed, or potentially if I could head back, I was fucked because I was dead or in a coma, the latter of which would no doubt prevent me from attending my exam, fucking over my already shitty grades and preventing me from continuing (summer school was a no-go with my record), and even if I am still alive and wake up in time to attend, I'm still fucked because I don't remember anything I had studied!

"So basically I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Neat." I muttered, lying on my back.

I decided that to keep myself entertained and avoid going insane with boredom, I would start thinking of where I might be going.

Let it be known that one of the many 'useless' things I'd actually remembered was mythological stuff.

"Let's see… heaven would probably be nice, but my lazy ass probably wouldn't be let in. I guess being a cow might be interesting, but getting milked sounds weird, bleh. Unless it's like anime reincarnation. That would be kickass! But I have no idea where I'd end up…"

My mind momentarily drifted to my friends and family, but as I quickly began thinking of how cool it would be to be a Ninja or use a Bankai, it was ultimately snuffed out in the face of childish glee.

"Ah, but I'd have to come up with that speech thing… oh well. I'll get to it when I get to it."

A light then suddenly appeared below me, the invisible platform disappearing and dropping me into it.

Despite my excitement, I was still scared shitless as I free-fell through the anti-void, my body growing numb.

Did I forget to mention this hurt like an absolute bitch?

As I screamed, the light enveloped me, and my consciousness faded.

* * *

_**Halkeginia - ? Estate**_

* * *

The sound of two sets of feet on carpet echoed through the hall.

One of the pair was clothed in robes and a wimple, indicating her as a nun of the Brimiric faith. She walked rather quickly in an effort to maintain pace alongside her accomplice, although at some points she felt herself slowing down so he could keep up with her.

As if she would endanger herself by outpacing a noble.

The other was male, dressed in fine clothes befitting that of his class. While he was rather jubilant that the day had finally come, he still felt rather irritated that he'd had this obligation at all.

'Oh well, maybe I can end up with a good ally after all this. Might even prove to be somewhat amusing.' He thought to himself, a faint grin appearing at the corners of his mouth.

The nun misconstrued this as the usual joy one had when they were about to meet their firstborn.

"When I arrive, will it already be over? You know, the screaming and the crying." He asked the nun, who quickly formulated a response.

"Uh... yes, I suppose so. The screaming at the least. The child however likely will still be active however, as it is simply what one does when they are born."

The Noble slightly bristled, the sound of crying not exactly very appealing to him (unless you were counting his rather unorthodox methods of "stress relief"). Still, this would become his heir! He had to put on some kind of show, did he not? So he continued to act as though it was a joyous occasion.

The pair soon arrived at a pair of doors, and after knocking, they entered. Inside was a room seemingly converted to a maternity ward, the occupants relaxing from the flurry of action the room had been in only a few minutes ago. Oddly enough, the room had mostly been quiet, up until the Noble had entered, prompting all except the nun and his wife to stand and bow.

Truly, the wonder of being a noble.

He raised a hand and directed it in a manner indicating them to evacuate the room immediately, which they of course followed.

He moved towards the bed, "the child?" He asked his wife who silently (and secretly reluctantly) passed him the bundle that had been occupying her arms. Turning away from the bed, a grin reemerged on his face as he looked upon the gray eyes of his newborn son.

'So, I suppose I'm supposed to name you now, aren't I? Let's see… you're probably going to be the first of a few, so let's begin with A... Alain? No, something grand, Auron! But that doesn't exactly sound normal… Absalon? Hmm… that will do nicely.'

"Absalon. That shall be his name."

He turned to the nun, who he handed the child to.

"I trust you'll make it such in the eyes of the Founder?" He asked, although he already knew her answer. "Oh, and you may choose his middle name. As a sign of good faith.

She nodded. "Yes Milord." She bowed, and left the room.

* * *

_**"Absalon's" POV**_

* * *

_'Absalon? The hell kinda name is that? Oh god, am I gonna be a fucking Dumble-destined? Oi, whatever deity this shithole brownnoses, don't make me the quest giver dammit!'_

* * *

_**Nun's POV**_

* * *

The nun quickly hurried to the chapel in the mansion, desiring to finish her job as quickly as possible. She felt somewhat safe that her occupation would protect her (no sane-minded noble would openly attack a member of the church), but she had most definitely felt his gaze travel below her face.

She entered the room of prayer, setting the child down and fetching the holy relics she would need. While most nobles had their children publicly baptized, or at least surrounded by friends and family, this one was to be performed privately. Apparently the rest of his family was either dead or declined the invitation, although she felt that they had the right idea.

Now what would Lord Brimir approve of as a name?

* * *

_**Third Person POV**_

* * *

The child did not understand a thing said around him. He was only able to understand that he'd been named "Absalon" due to context clues and that it didn't sound like a work except.

As the nun began to speak above him, he began to listen. While he wasn't able to actually follow along, he did pick out one word that cemented where he was.

"Brimir."

_'Oh for fucks sake, I'm in Zero no Tsukaima? This is just amazing. How can it possibly get worse?'_

As he spoke the magic words, the nun began to finish, and for some odd reason, became slowly legible.

"...and in your everlasting light, we wish you to welcome and grace this young child with the power granted to his family. I hereby baptise in the name of the Brimiric church…

Absalon Danielle le Bleu de Mott."

The silence, although nobody was actually speaking at that moment, was broken by the young heir's first thought as a newly recognized Noble.

_'That guy is my dad!?'_

* * *

_**A/N: I will be blunt, I have no idea what was going through my head when I decided this was a good idea.**_

_**"Hey, what if a guy got reincarnated as Mott's son and [spoiler]?"**_

_**"That's a great idea, me! What's next, eggs, pickles and pork?"**_

_**"Funny you should ask."**_

_**Presumably they went off to do a bunch of stupid shit involving unholy abominations that Gordon Ramsey would personally lead a crusade against and stupid ideas that would somehow see the light of day.**_

_**Now you may be wondering, "why isn't this guy freaking out, he just realized he died!" Well the simple answer**__** is that this is not exactly a very mentally mature individual, hence the frequent cursing (he still finds it funny and cool), and the lack of any concern for what has just happened. So as such, instead of breaking down and going apeshit over him losing all his past connections, he's instead getting excited at the prospect of becoming an anime character.**_

_**Don't worry though, he's gonna get a reality check to the face reaaaaal quick.**_

_**Anyway, I want to make a few things clear. This is a new project featuring a new character. I am not going to be abandoning my other stories although they seem dead as hell, I just don't have the drive to write them at the moment. I have no idea how the Brimiric Church actually works, so I'm just gonna adlib their speeches into the "holiest" things I can think of, complete with asskissing and false attributions.**_

_**Also, in terms of power/op-ness, I won't be saying anything for a while, due to potential spoilers.**_

_**Just as a hint though, I will be taking some inspiration from another series: DXD. If you don't know what that is, or what I'm talking about, then we have nothing to worry about. For people who do know what I'm talking about or what I'm hinting at, please don't spoil it for anyone. If you want to talk about please send me a PM.**_

_**I have no idea just how far ahead the next chapter is going to be. Might be a few minutes or hours, might be a few years.**_

_**Anyway, I'll see ya later. Please review if you like it, if you hate it (unless you're just gonna talk shit), or if you're mildly horrified.**_

_**Note: Dumble-destined is a term I (might) have come up with, meaning a character that was given such a stupid name that they're probably going to be destined to be the old man that starts the main hero's save-the-world questline.**_


	2. The Evaluation Ritual, Part 1

**_I feel like I shouldn't count the two... reviews I got (considering one was from a friend and my technical beta, and the other was one word), but nonetheless, thank you for both._**

**_Anyway, short AN since I ain't got anything to "respond" to._**

**_Crowd: Get on with it!_**

**_Side question: should I make a pairing poll, or wait until later?_**

**_Edit - 12/28/19: Wow, I took way too long to update this. Still no excuses, but here it is. Seriously unproofreaded (is that the right word?), but I have to put _something_ out, right? Hehehe... fml._**

**_Edit - 1/2/20: Thanks to a wonderful chat with reviewer Alan975 over this chapter, I managed to touch up in a few places that honestly make it SO~ much better. :)_**

* * *

**_Mott Manor - A few months later..._**

**_Absalon's POV_**

* * *

So one may ask, how does a reincarnated infant keep themselves entertained?

Simple answer, they don't. Complicated answer, they're too busy with other things to think of entertainment. Such as relearning how to use their bowels, how to walk, and how to cry.

I have managed none of these, and am currently _redefining _the term "frustration."

"I'm not the only one somewhat put off by how the young lord seems to be _glaring_ at me, right?"

"Could be worse, at least he's quiet."

"Well if he's not hurting our ears, he's decided to go after our noses and tongues instead."

"_Ugh, _if you remind me of that _slop _one more time I swear to The Founder I will shove the little bastard on you, consequences be _dammed._"

Three servants were currently 'attending to me,' which mostly just involved them talking shit about Mott while feeding me, changing me, etc. Unfortunately however, I had to agree with them. Apparently they had to taste anything they fed me (to check for poison and whatnot) prior to the deed, and even I found it disgusting. Aren't babies supposed to love this slop? I don't see how.

Anyway, these three who's names I... regrettably can't seem to remember I like to refer to as Red, Blue, and Green (two guys and one girl respectively) based on their rather impossibly natural hair colors. For the last few months since I was reborn they've pretty much been the only human contact I've had as Mott is typically busy most of the day and I haven't seen my mother since she 'died in childbirth'. I feel like it could be worse though, Mott could actually try taking time out of his day to raise me... and I think I'd hate his expectations.

So as it stands, everyone (myself included) hates my father, is at least is annoyed by my very existence, and will likely be so for the next few years. Fun little thing for one of only a few months to be dealing with, yeah?

At least they're... relatively subtle about it...

After all, how many people can claim to have heard violent torture and remember it before their first birthday?

* * *

Fun fact about living with Nobles holding less than kind tastes (let alone as one): unless you live on the other side of the manor or are the Lord of the house, you're likely not to get a decent sleep. You know all the fanfics where Mott's not just a pervert but also kinda sadistic?

Yeah, they may have been onto something.

As my infant eyes shot open as another shriek of pain reached my ears, I looked around to see a dark room, opulent and gaudy as can be without encroaching on truly 'royal' territory. Currently, I have the esteemed honor of sleeping in a corner of Mott's master bedroom (my silence has kept him from thoughts of placing me elsewhere, for whatever that's worth), where I get the weekly delight of hearing just how many languages people can curse my father in, due to it's placement directly over his "Funroom" (which is basically just the basement).

_'Oh, uh... Germania! That was a 'nein,' right?'_

I wondered just how fucked up I'd turn out if my idea of fun as an reincarnated infant happened to trying to place what accents screams were in.

Oh wait...

* * *

**_Almost a full year after Absalon's birth..._**

* * *

Currently I was inside the capital city of Tristain (as of yet unnamed in my mind), where my father had decided to take me. I was able to walk now, but only a small amount due to somewhat underdeveloped muscles (note to self, get weights and PUMP), and still was carried around by one of the servants if I needed to be anywhere (I think they'd set up a rotation).

The blinds in the carriage were mostly shut, so I couldn't see outside despite my desire to (I was starting to get desperate for something to do), and began to start assuming where I was headed.

_'The palace? No, he's not dressed for a party or carrying his tithes. A shop? Wait, no, he has servants do the shopping and would go in disguise if he wanted anything... esoteric. A church? No, it's not.. whatever Sunday is here.'_

Unfortunately for me, I had dismissed the correct answer, as we suddenly stopped, and we stepped out of the carriage.

Right in front of the largest cathedral I'd ever seen.

_'Holy shit, how small is the Founder's wand?'_

Gold and piercing white assaulted my eyes, forcing them shut. My father, Red (unlucky bastard drew the short straw today and ended up the one carrying me today), and the guard that'd been driving were exempt from said issue as they walked forward, the guard's metal gauntlet impacting the door a few times as we waited for the door to open.

When it did a few seconds later, I was treated to the familiar sight of the nun that'd baptised me, who took notice, nodded and welcomed us in silently. Surprisingly, Mott accepted the rather muted entrance.

_'Who the hell is this guy and what has he done with my father? Where's the trumpets and silk carpet worth more than the combined payroll of all the servants?'_

We proceeded through the cathedral, into one of the back rooms where a priest I assumed to be of a higher rank received us from the nun.

"Lord Mott, punctual as always. It is good to see you," He greeted my father, lightly bowing in respect. "If you'll follow me, we've prepared for the evaluation."

At that ominous statement, Mott smiled, and motioned for Red to hand me over to the priest.

_'Handing an infant to a priest? Either I'm getting baptized or sacrificed, and I've already dealt with the first ordeal.' _

The Priest looked me over and nodded. "He looks quite healthy. I imagine we'll have quite the satisfactory Evaluation today milord. If you would follow me? Er... without your retainers if you would permit it." He requested, my father nodding and turning to Red and the guard, who moved towards the door outside the back room.

Proceeding even further into the church and down a flight of stairs, we arrived in a room sporting a massive magic circle, decked out in enough runes to make a viking jealous, and with six small extending "arms" the nun and my father had proceeded to stand behind. The priest carefully walking between the lines, he placed me in the center, and moved back towards the wall.

"Now, I trust you know how the ritual proceeds?" He asked my father and the nun, both of which responded with nods. "Wonderful. Now, let us begin."

Placing their hands inside the "arms" of the circle, their hands began to shine. As the runic circle began to glow and activate around me, I suddenly felt something strange within me. Like hundreds of ants slowly crawling across and into my skin, getting deeper by the second.

It hurt.

A lot.

As my consciousness began to fade, a sudden light began to shine in the void that was consuming my vision. It wasn't a real light, since it didn't burn, and it wasn't warm either, but it was there, and that was all that mattered. It quickly began to outshine everything around me, and in a loud ringing noise, the cathedral disappeared around me.

The ringing began to quiet, and the light began to fade, revealing to me that I was no longer in the cathedral. I wasn't even in the city anymore. Or at least I didn't think I was.

A brightly colored forest surrounded me, trees resembling those freshly stripped of bark holding a canopy of bright white leaves. The ringing had been replaced with naught but the sound of wind and rustling foliage.

_'Where... am I?' _I wondered, my mind confused and amazed at the beautiful sight above me. It was like something out of a post-apocalyptic themed game, where humans were dead and gone and nothing but nature had been influencing things for centuries.

As amazed as I was, I was still confused as to how I got here, and somewhat worried. Typically areas like this have some seriously powerful wildlife, let free of the danger of humans to evolve and grow as they wanted. Meaning that I was likely in the area of something that was massive, had tons of teeth, and wasn't very picky as long as it got to eat meat.

The sound of a branch snapping had me nearly pissing myself.

_'It's okay, stay calm, stay quiet, don't let them know you're he- oh god they're walking towards us fuck.'_

I held my breath and attempted to remain as quiet as possible, hoping that it was herbivorous, and not going to look at me like a snack.

Closing my eyes, I saw a shadow pass over my eye lids, rotate a little, and then...

A rather muted exclamation of "what?" had me opening my eyes.

While I had been expecting horns, teeth, or something to indicate a natural killer, a head of strawberry blonde hair and some very long ears attached to a rather slender humanoid in relatively risque attire were not what I typically associated with "dangerous animals," the sheathed sword at her waist reinforcing that thought. Nor animals at all.

I'm looking at an elf. An elf, in Familiar of Zero. An elf with fucking _pink hair and eyes that I'm meeting via a magic element test._

I don't think that's a good sign.

* * *

_**Outside the circle...**_

* * *

Mott was not famous for being patient, quite the opposite actually. So he had been quite annoyed when fifteen minutes had passed since the ritual to determine his heir's element had begun.

That annoyance turned to surprise when the child began to glow and then quite literally _vanished_.

"Is... is that supposed to happen?" He rather quietly asked the bishop, who had suddenly found himself powering a useless array, both shocked into inactivity.

The bishop stared for a moment, took out a small cloth, rubbed his eyes, returned the cloth to his pocket, and then responded.

"No."

* * *

**_?_**

* * *

So now an Elf is looking at me, and I'm looking at an Elf.

I... have no idea what to say here, and if the look on her face is anything to go by, neither does she.

_'Why do you look familiar?'_ I wonder to myself.

Her eyebrows shoot up, quickly looking around, her body quickly shifting into a stance.

"Who's there!?" She shouts, startling me.

Remembering that we're in the middle of a forest likely teeming with deadly animals, plants, or an odd combination of the two, I begin to panic. _'Wait, is there someone else here!?'_

A confused look crosses her face. "...what? What do you mean is there someone else he..." Her posture suddenly loosens up, turning to me and leaning over to get a closer look... and by closer I mean she's directly standing over me, face scrunched up and staring like I'm the most confusing existence she's ever seen.

Given that she's an elf... _'That's probably one hell of an achievement.'_

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, as she quickly begins to backpedal, drawing her blade and pointing it at me.

"What the hell are you!? How are you talking to me inside my head!?"

...well this is new.

The elf now slowly approaching, I decide to test this out.

_'Uh... hi? My name's Absalon. You?'_

_"_Absalon? What the- is this some kind of plot!? I'll have you know I've been guarding these lands for six millennia, and I don't intend to let... whatever you are defile them!"

_'Oh come on! I'm a fucking baby! Y'know, practically a the hell am I going to do that would defile this pla... don't answer that.'_

Wait, did she say six millennia?

"A-ha! So you are planning something! Well, I, Sasha Brandr will stop you!"

In the ensuing silence, you could hear a pin drop.

'_...wow, six thousand years is a lot of time to be alone eh?'_

I was not expecting her to collapse to her knees and start crying.

"You have no fucking idea."

* * *

**Holy _shit _this fucking chapter hated me. I honestly hate it so much. It's the entire reason this is just "Part 1." I mean, how fucking hard does it have to be!?**

**It's rushed, and is basically just forcing a few plot points down your throat in a crappy Exposition setup. Blegh! Maybe once I get back to my computer I can touch up on it.**

**Anyone willing to help proofread this shit with me I will consider a fucking hero.**

**Now to go sleep, It's one in the morning.**


End file.
